further insulting yours truly, saturday night began with the hairy mammal confirming my greatest fear...i was right about the previous week's occurrences...the mammal lied to me and created a story that was ill conceived as if he believed i had a chimp's i.q., ready to believe a lie worthy of 'saved by the bell'...the night, however, picked up from there...'a' was spending the evening with us and he proceeded to consume a king's ration of the dark chilean red...after which he became an animal himself...as the wine coursed through his veins, he challenged the mammal to an arm wrestling match, and then fought him on and off for about twenty minutes...he would jump on the mammal and pin him to to the couch (a homo-erotic ballet of sorts) all the while yelling "this is how you tame the mammal!" and "you want the wwf muthafucka! well you got it!"...the mammal, in a strange twist, centered in on the statement, this is how you tame the mammal...asking, "what a strange thing to say, what does that mean?"...i, your faithful observer, played dumb secretly resenting 'a's big mouth...periodically the two savages would rest before resuming their grotesque dance of destruction...i recorded about twenty minutes of this disturbing footage on mammal's video camera but unfortunately getting mammal to upload anything that is neither his stand up or his hackneyed comedic characters is virtually impossible...your author will keep the pressure on so as one day my faithful readers can witness the mammal's (and 'a's) madness, and judge for themselves as to whether my recollection is an accurate portrayal of the beast and his domain, or merely a shadow of the beast within...

a blurry, dirty, david lynch type of night...that was friday...faced with the possibility of staying up well passed nine in the morning i elected to leave the safety and relative boisterous comfort of my lovely lady and her alcoholic friends and trek downtown for a good night's (or shall i say morning's) sleep in my own bed...i struggled sock-less out into the empty sunlit streets of this fair yet anomalous city... halfway down the beaten path to my graffiti-ed door two thoughts came into my head...first, walking twenty minutes sock-less was giving me blisters...at thirty your author still had not processed the fact that walking sock-less but not shoe-less would give one's poor suffering feet blisters...second i thought, wouldn't it be horrible if i came home to my comfortable bed and found someone already enjoying it thanks to the mammal's infinite stupidity...well needless to say as the lock gave way, and the rusty door of fate swung open, i witnessed a most horrifying sight...there was a savage in my bed...i stared for a moment, then gazed to the couch which was also occupied...sleepily i thought to myself, "this is my house, not a flophouse"...oh not so when you live with the mammal...disgusted i left, blistered and all, and walked back in sorrow to my beloved...two days later still fuming and refusing to answer the mammal's initial phone call, i take his message..."hey [church of al] i locked myself out of the apartment, i need some keys, please call me"...i call the red ass-ed demon and provide a meeting place where i can give him a spare set of apartment keys...he shows up in a reasonable period of time and i decide that before i confront him with the bodies in my bed i should first draw him in..."[mammal] how did you lock yourself out of the apartment," i ask..."oh [c of a] i went jogging and the door self-locked behind me," he responds...(a reasonable story if he was still dripping with sweat on this humid july day...and believable, if he was wearing his eurotrash headband and shorts)...this, as you might imagine however, is not the case...he is clean and showered...however your author is much too interested in mammal's tells so to speak, he overlooks the obvious, and does not point out the factual inaccuracies in the hairy mammal's story...your author chooses not to pursue this line of questioning but instead focuses on the strangers in his bed..."[mammal] i would appreciate that if you have people staying in my bedroom that you at least let me know because i came home and had nowhere to sleep"..."oh, [c of a] you came home, i am so sorry i told them not to go into your room but i guess they did not listen"..."[mammal]," i said, "i cannot have random people sleeping in my room, i came home at six in the morning and had nowhere to sleep, not to mention that i do not want my meager possessions stolen"...mammal placated me halfheartedly giving me assurances that were flimsy in context and tries to convince me that he would never again let untrusted acquaintances use the apartment while he was away...then he bid adieu...if the reader has not figured out the the real story here, your correspondent will lay it out for you...mammal goes away for the weekend leaving his keys in the care of some dirty, white-nosed, con...[c of a] comes home to find the apartment overrun and vacates...mammal comes back from a weekend at the stone pony and realizes that the fellow that he entrusted his keys to is nowhere to be found and he must seek out his roommate in order to gain access into his own apartment...then he lies to his roommate about the situation...thus ends another day in the life of this vile city, and of every dirty, hairy, mammal who sleeps soundly within its desolate walls....

mammal fans, we are back, at least for one entry...i came out of my room to smoke a cigarette and there was mammal clad only in cut-off sweat-shorts and his head band...evidently he had just returned from a run and was psyched because later that night he would be giving the good folks of mid-america some classic new york comedy stylings...i was just about to raise the open flame to my tobacco's end when he stopped me..."[church of al] wait, i want to stretch first and i don't want to do it in the company of smoke"...i relent and he proceeds to lay on his back and bend his knee back for no more than five seconds...he stands and begins to talk to me about the right way and time to stretch...i contend that it is helpful to stretch before and after a run, and he insists that stretching before a run can be hazardous...in reality i do not care too much, i am simply passing the time until the cancerous vapour can once again fill my whithering lungs...i wait and talk to him noticing that he has not done any more than that original five seconds of stretching...finally i can wait no longer, "[mammal] are you done stretching," i ask..."yes, [c of a] you can smoke now"...i light up and collapse into the turquoise blue painted chair while he retires to his room...soon after, the song "you're the best" by joe esposito (the song from karate kid) is playing on full volume from his room...mammal emerges, still clad in his shorts and headband and starts shadow-boxing in rhythm to the song; his bone thin arms flailing wildly in the undersized apartment...sticking and moving he says, "[c of a] this is how i get up for a show, wouldn't it be great [now trying out material on me] if this is how osama bin laden got psyched up...you know from this song...that would ruin our perception of this song forever"...of course i was thinking that simply the sight of the pale and hairy mammal, shadow boxing in the living room, was enough to ruin the song for me...for the present day and for the rest of my life...

EDITOR'S NOTE: DUE TO LACK OF EXPOSURE TO THE HAIRY MAMMAL NEW BLOGS HAVE BEEN INFREQUENT...DO NOT FEAR, THE MAMMAL WILL BE BACK AS SOON AS PROPER CONTACT IS MADE...

hello mammal lovers...i thought before i begin a new installment i should mention that i do not see the mammal much these days so the paragraphs are few and far between...and as some of you understand and many do not, these stories cannot be forced, so be patient my faithfuls!...

a few weeks ago i awoke on a weekend morning to the mammal in his boxer briefs...i know, i know, it is not the first time and certainly not the last...however this time there was company, a few ladies who spent the night the previous evening...therefore yours truly, trying to convey some modicum of civility, yelled at the mammal, "[mammal] put on some fucking pants!"...the mammal responded in his usual manner and tone, "this is my house i can wear whatever i want!"...the girls, intrigued but not impressed, began imploring mammal to do the same, (while making light of his ample and mal-formed chest hair)...but of course he would not...the mammal, it seemed, needed attention...he began by playing "high enough" by the damn yankees and singing every word, and followed that up with "the winds of change," by the scorpions...(which a week previous he played for these same ladies who begged him to refrain...he responded by playing it acoustically on his guitar and forcing the issue...singing the lines, "down to gorky park!" with much gusto (which i must admit i did enjoy))...however, this present morning it was simply a ploy to annoy the three of us...after this, he put on "the moon and new york city" and began jumping on his bed and doing karate kicks...i did not see these sophomoric maneuvers because i was busy in my bedroom, but when i came out i was greeted by the lingering essence of the mammal's pungent body odor...(the ladies tipped me off to his other shenanigans)...feverishly i tried to assemble all my stuff and take one of the ladies on a hasty retreat as mammal put on love song after love song along with some reggae-tone...horrified, sickened, and exhausted i finally escaped the madness and made it safely uptown in time to see some playoff football...i know not what happened to the other lady not lucky enough to escape the mammal's clutches...

mammal burst in the door today happy to see me...we haven't crossed paths in a week and he immediately launched into a story he was anxious to tell..."[church of al] i met two strippers from [a city in montana] at the comedy club last sunday, and when i closed i let them stay and drink with me..." i could tell this was going to go somewhere bizarre, and it began with the next lines..."we were sitting around and the one i wasn't into let me feel her tits, then we went to their hotel room..." evidently when the mammal got to the vile temptresses' room he began performing the holy act of cunnilingus on the girl that was of his interest, while the other one took pictures of him in mid-act...afterwards he took photographs of the camera girl's intimate areas, at her insistence, to send via camera phone to one of her beaus..."i didn't have sex with either of them," mammal related, "it seems that even this new generation has some sense of morality"...(i, of course, could not make the connection)..."but mammal," i asked, "what will this do to your budding political career?"..."shit," he responded, "it isn't like i was doing drugs, i mean they can't put a picture of this on the front pages of the tabloids; and besides by the time i am ready to run for congress all of this will be acceptable"...i tried to get more out of the furry beast, but alas he was already immersed in his newly repaired computer and unwilling to comment further...

a few weeks ago there was a knock on our door at five a.m...for once mammal and yours truly were both sleeping...mammal got up to answer the door and i listened through the paper thin walls..."hey mate how are you doing," a confused and accented voice greeted mammal...i recognized it as that crazy barrel-chested englishman that was dueling mammal for one of the vacant vixens a few weeks earlier...(see entry on nov. 16th) "uh i just came here to return your keys," he continued...the mammal, a little confused as to why the englishman had a set of apartment keys in the first place, accepted them with a thank you...the englishman proceeded, "yeah, i thought they were the keys to another [mammal with the same name's] apartment but they turned out to be yours; they opened up the front doors but not your apartment door"...i could only imagine the puzzled look on mammal's face when finally after all his easy living, karma was catching up with him at the apartment door at five in the morning in the form of a pug-nosed englishman...mammal played along, the entire time trying to shuffle him out the door, but the englishman didn't want to leave..."hey [mammal] you want to do a bump?"..."no man," mammal replied, "i was sleeping, i want to go back to sleep"...finally mammal pushed him out the door and double locked it...the next morning he told me the story, and could not for the life of him figure out how or why the englishman had our keys..."i guess he just put them in his pocket," was his final conclusion...

i have not seen much of the hairy mammal in the last month or two, but from what i can gather he has been a good little fuzz-ball...his computer is broken for the third time since he bought it two years ago, therefore he has completed some much needed projects around the apartment...finally, the shower head that flooded the bathroom has been replaced, and the bathroom door that swelled due to water damage can be shut again...as i was leaving today mammal was on the phone with apple computer (hipster compu-central) going through the steps to reboot his computer with little positive result..."mammal, how you making out?"..."how does it look [church of al] obviously not too well," he responded looking like a little boy in his winter p.j.'s...the stress and anger in his tone was too much, so i came back joyfully, "well i am going uptown to use the computer, see you later!"...he responded angrily, "[c of al] why don't you get a job, all you do is fuck that doctor!"...i laughed, knowing that he was right, and that he couldn't for the life of him figure out how i did it...he then changed the subject to football (which he doesn't follow), "i wanted new orleans to win yesterday," he stated...i replied, "i am glad chicago won, i want them to win the superbowl"..."[c of al] you don't even like chicago," mammal yelled, "why would you want them to win?"..."first of all [mammal] i do like chicago and second of all, you know nothing about football"...that was a point he had to concede, and before more words were exchanged i was out the door, leaving him alone in the pit, clad in p.j.'s, and staring at a dark computer screen...

today the mammal had the reporter come over to see 'the pit'...we spent most of the afternoon cleaning, and mammal was in rare form...he was riffing off anything he found in the apartment...he found a generic box of robitussin called 'tussin'..."[church of al] check this out, yo man i was tussin that bitch all night!"...he was blasting 'brown sugar' which made him think of the band he was in during his late grade school years..."man those fuckers kicked me out for their old singer, i will never forgive them for that"...after i mentioned how long ago this particular incident took place he withdrew a little..."well i might be able to forgive [p. guth] because he probably thought it was best for the music"...he found an old shirt with vladimir putin on it and put it on for the photo shoot...in fact all day our mammal was finding things that had been lost amidst his mess...

when the reporter finally came over mammal immediately took her to the fridge where he had strategically placed all the good form letters he received...he went through them one by one describing in detail why he received them...he even proudly showed her the letter from the company that is threatening to sue him...and of course he mentioned that he had just dropped eight-hundred dollars on that villa in turks and caicos exclaiming, "i am a very nice drunk and i care about a.i.d.s. in africa"...the reporter did not even know where turks and caicos was...the mammal was happy to enlighten her...mammal offered her a drink, either a martini or water, which he had already run by me earlier..."man [church of al] i think it is great that the only two beverages i can offer her are water or a martini"...i did not ask him why...the conversation was quiet and nothing that i could hear stood out...i assume it went well and mammal was his usual affable self...finally at six-thirty he rushed her out the door, because it was friday night after all and the mammal had places to be...

i woke to the loud wail of a truck's horn on the street...obviously continuing because an auto was blocking its movement...after five minutes of this constant blaring i hear the mammal shouting out of his window..."look shut the fuck up! i know the guy and he is not listening to you, so you are just going to have to wait!...the children are trying to sleep up here so shut it!"...it worked, and we were all able to return to our slumbers...the good children were again in dreamland thanks to the mammal's madness...later as he was leaving to go manage the comedy club, he remarked to last night's conquest, "the funny thing is that i am now going to have to receive deliveries from guys like the ones in that pepsi truck"...

tomorrow a columbia journalism student will be coming to 'the pit' a la our apartment to take pictures of it for her interview with the mammal...mammal stated, "she wants to see how a real new york comic lives, so she asked me not to clean up too much"..."but you are going to clean a little," i replied, "this place is a wreck"..."a little, but it has to look authentic," was mammal's response...oh it will look authentic i thought...then we tried to make up a fictitious back story for "the roommate" a.k.a. me...'writer' (my present, albeit tenuous occupation) just was not interesting enough for the mammal...we never came to any conclusions so he will probably just expound on the 'writer' angle...we can all be assured however, that whatever he decides upon, the final result will be designed to make him look good...

a few nights ago your author and a friend were quietly enjoying a night at home...at eleven o'clock the mammal bursts in with three girls, all of whom were wearing wigs, and one carrying a video camera in the 'on' position...obviously i was taken aback for a minute by the surreal situation, and when i finally get my bearings, i ask mammal what this is all about...he does not hear me because he is already screaming at the wigged girl with the camera, "turn that fucking thing off, i might want to run for congress someday!"...she continues filming while another of the wigged triumvirate addresses me..."i've met you before"...i didn't recognize her in her present attire and remarked, "there is a high turnover rate at this apartment so it might have been someone else, how long ago was this"...she responds, "it was only a few weeks ago, i know it was you"...with that behind us and the video girl still filming amidst mammal's loud objections, awkward conversation sets in...they leave within a half an hour with mammal staying behind for a few minutes to re-primp...i ask mammal who that girl was, and i find out it was that annoying twenty-year-old i had written about previously (a la the thursday november 16th entry)...i continue, "why were they filming?"...mammal replies, "oh they were doing some ridiculous project for n.y.u. about the scene on the lower east side, i wish they wouldn't have filmed in here"...i agreed...and with that, the mammal now fully primped, ventures back out into the night to search for the wig-girls and many others...

a few days ago i had another late night with the mammal...i was talking to a friend 'bird' on the phone at four in the morning when the mammal comes home with friends of his from karaoke...he bursts into my room, to see if i am home, and when he sees me on the phone he apologizes and retreats...i decide i need a cigarette, so i say goodbye to my friend, and venture out into the abyss to bum one from the mammal...there are two people sitting on the futon one gay male, drunk as a skunk, and a woman more composed...i immediately like both of them...before i can raise the tip of my new found cigarette to the flame, the gay guy is hitting on me...i brush it off explaining my orientation, and it is forgotten for the rest of the night...quickly the two guests yell at mammal for putting on more sean paul, and they insist he put on bob dylan...the conversation switches to new jersey, and for some odd reason, although not from jersey, the gay guy expresses interest...every ten minutes or so he asks the mammal again where we are from and every time the mammal answers patiently and accurately...somehow andy warhol comes up and the gay guy remarks, "ohh edie sedgwick's story was sooo sad, i have never heard a more tragic story"...[author's note: sedgwick, a model in new york in the 60's, was associated with warhol and bob dylan among others, she died of a drug overdose at 28]...mammal loves this and runs with it in a lighthearted manner, "out of all the horrible things that have happened in the world, the death of some new york model is the most tragic?"...the other two are hardly listening and have moved to the computer to look up the wikipedia file on sedgwick...mammal procedes to break out 'blonde on blonde' [rumoured to be partly based on sedgwick] on vinyl and plays it on the victrola...the night continues in this vein until they leave at six in the morning...the mammal stays up with me until nine debating mao, stalin, and marxism...finally, with the sun fully risen in the sky, and the good people of this fair city heading to work, the mammal goes to bed...

as i side note i drank most of mammal's fancy pants russian vodka on friday night...he was furious and when he saw me at the bar on saturday night he screamed, "you pederast! you drank my vodka!"...i was secretly proud of myself...

this afternoon while 'a' and i were watching football the mammal came out of his room and announced, "last night i think i did a bad thing"...intrigued, we asked him about it...he went to a benefit party last night and stated, "i bought four days at a villa in turks and caicos for eight hundred dollars, i just don't know how i am going to get there"...he then returned to his room and began playing sean paul...'a', annoyed yelled, "[mammal] turn that music off!"...of course the mammal would not...he screamed, "this is my room and i can do anything i want in here"...now that he was aware that 'a' was annoyed, he proceeded to see how far he could take the situation until 'a' blew his top...he would occasionally close his door, then open it and come out with the music blaring to relate some inane story, but secretly loving the fact that every time his door opened sean paul would waft through the apartment and cause 'a's blood to boil...finally 'a' had enough and attacked trying to turn off the music, with mammal fighting him off, bellowing about spilling imaginary drinks, and screaming "don't touch me!"...of course in the end the music was never turned off and mammal was outwardly pleased that he had annoyed 'a' to no end...the scene ended with mammal remarking happily that he in fact had enough airline miles to receive a ticket to turks and caicos...

a brief update on my ex-girlfriend's cousin (mentioned in a previous entry a la 'myspace girl')...mammal did actually meet up with her over the thanksgiving holiday...they went to bars in her hometown, which he described as "even more upscale than the bars [around our hometown]"...he said everyone in there were phish loving preppies (which i thought went out of style in the late 90's)...mammal said he didn't mind it so much...then he went to her house, met the folks, made out with her a little, and spent the night in her basement..."classic high school," i replied...today when i logged onto the computer i found that a message from her was on the screen...(mammal has a habit of not logging out and leaving his personal business for all to see)...the message said simply, "i am sick, you told me you weren't contagious, you ass"...ahh yes, messing with the mammal claims another casualty...

since there has not been much to add lately about the hairy mammal, your author decided he would give you a treat...a few years ago when our mutual friend 'a' (mentioned previously in this study) lived with the mammal, he gave me a few 'mammalisms'...i will now relate them to all of you lovely readers...

"-always leave either the bathroom light or the living room light on....you always want to break last month's electric bill..."

"-always leave a package of cookies open with crumbs spilling out over the rest of your food and the floor...nothing says 'welcome' to a nice well-to-do family of roaches better than little bite sized snacks..."

"-always expect free things from people in hip places...you are never too old to get your ass wiped on a consistent basis..."

"never, ever be consistent...it would be a mark against your golden slovenly lifestyle...if you learn how to use the shower correctly, forget how to shut a plastic spout on a carton...always stay a step ahead..."

"it's a good thing to leave hair in other people's food for the result is that you will usually be able to claim it for yourself..."

thank you to 'a' for sharing and for enlightening our faithful readers with another perspective of mammal in his habitat...

last night your author, an insomniac, was awake at four a.m. listening to u.f.o. conspiracy theories on coast to coast radio with art bell, when the mammal came in with two girls...i hear the girls expressing restraint with a sleeping roommate stating that they would be quiet...the mammal, as selfish as ever states loudly, "don't worry about it, be as loud as you want"...he then blasts some crappy music of unknown origin on the stereo...the girls turn it down and proceed to change the music to david bowie and then the beatles...finally, i think, mammal is going to sleep with a girl with respect for other humans and good musical taste...of course this was not to be...a half an hour later mammal leaves to walk the two girls, who were smart enough to realize that they were in over their heads, to the subway...i fall asleep, only to awake at a quarter to five in the morning to the mammal blasting 'sean paul' at maximum volume...i burst out of my room to find mammal alone, standing over the sink, stuffing his face..."[mammal]" i scream, "turn this shit down!"..."okay," he replies...it it strange that the mammal has no concept of anything else in this vast, twisted, universe except for his own growing ego...

a few days ago i heard him giving one of his friends advice on women over the phone...therefore, i can only relate his portion of the conversation...

"i don't know if you are good looking, i am not gay enough to make that judgment"
.........
"look i may be selfish but you are a narcissist"
.........
"what you need to do is just go up to any girl and start talking about something she is interested in, if she doesn't respond with a smile or seem as if she is interested, move on to the next one...it is all a numbers game"
.........
"of course no girl goes out thinking that she is going to have sex, but after a few apple martinis all she is thinking about is that she wants a dick in her"
..........
"look, don't you have any friends to go out with?" [response] "good, they're all gay, that is very good, do they have any hot fag hag friends?..."
..........
"no, well what the hell are you hanging out with them for?"

after that i stopped listening to the conversation...although this is crass advice, it does seem to work more than it should...i suppose that is both the irony and the sadness of this life...

the morning of thanksgiving i woke to the sounds of the mammal shuffling for the coffee filter...the night before mammal had another lady friend sleep in his disheveled bed...i heard him go into the bathroom and turn on the shower in order to prep for his day trip home...our shower head is broken, therefore one has to put time and care into the taking of a shower or the bathroom floor will flood...as the reader can imagine, the mammal (our beloved human tornado) continually floods the bathroom floor...today i was listening carefully from my comfortable bed, to hear if, in the presence of one of his women, he would take care and not flood the bathroom...i hear the mammal come out from the shower and tell his lady friend, "hey watch out when you use the bathroom because it flooded for some reason...go in there with your shoes on or your socks will get wet"...when she asked how the bathroom flooded mammal replied, "hey i don't know these things, all i know is that if you go in there in your socks you will regret it"...it was unbelievable that the mammal, even with female company, could not control himself enough, as to not flood the bathroom...as he rushed out the door to catch the bus, he remarked to his woman, (in a voice reminiscent of his father's ironic tone) "i better catch this bus or i am surely out of the family"...

last night mammal came home around ten and i again brought up the annoying girl from the night before...mammal began yelling, "[church of al] she wasn't that bad, why do you have to say that!"..."[mammal]" i said, "stop yelling"..."i'm sorry [church of al] i am not yelling, we are too tight for me to yell at you"...

i then mentioned that all our friends from high school were getting together in december for our monthly night out..."both 'j.h.' and 't' are going to be there [mammal], so you better show, i already marked it on your calender so you won't forget"...again he starts yelling, "i will try to make it but that bastard 't' hasn't yet been to one of my shows and 'j.h.' only went to one...you should all come up to the comedy club and see my set and then you guys can go out"...of course the comedy club is out of the way, and with a group of six of us we are not about to trek up there, pay cover and the drink minimum for a set, and i told him as much..."jesus it's only midtown! it's not like it's connecticut"...however when you live on the lower east side, midtown may as well be connecticut...

i awoke at four in the morning to the mammal and more young friends entering the apartment...as i tossed and turned i listened to the banal ramblings of one twenty-year-old girl...after an hour of this i decided that joining them would perhaps be more desirable, and possibly it would cut into the relentless voice that was in fact this girl's...at five in the morning i made the move, what i found was the mammal with two guys, a barrel chested englishman, shirt wide open (clearly challenging mammal to the one remaining female), and another bearded lad, concerned more with his buzz...the girl, afore mentioned, was sitting on the couch next to mammal running her mouth relentlessly...i lit a cigarette, made a martini and observed..."i want to live in europe for a good portion of my life," the vacant baroness states, "but i have only visited once, i went to italy for a week"...uggh, i think, when this girl loses her looks no one will listen to her...i look to the mammal and he looks back at me with a "hey i am only doing this for the nookie" glance...she continues, "in the high school yearbook i was voted quietest person with the most to say"...i roll my eyes, but thankfully the room is only candle lit so she cannot see, not that she would notice because of her rampant self-involvement...i think if she was the quietest i would hate to meet the most talkative...mammal edges closer and puts his arm around her, while the englishman, in an awkward position across from her, can only stroke her leg..."so roommate," she says addressing me, "what' s your story?"...i quickly deflect stating that i am only here to observe, to which she replies, "i like wallflowers too"...i let out an imperceptible groan...finally at six the girl asks the non-threatening guy to leave...mammal accompanies them to the subway station, perhaps in a last ditch effort, and i am left alone in the apartment with the englishman...

he begins, "oh man [mammal] was cockblocking me all night...i tried to put my arm around that girl and [mammal] would pull it away...man she would have done all four of us..." he is agitated now, and noticeably upset with his lack of accomplishment, so he continues his rant along the same lines...then he proceeds to make calls to girls he knows, hoping beyond hope to spread his seed, and not go home unfulfilled...all i can do is agree with his assessments, because i understand dealing with that girl for an entire night could not have been easy...mammal gets back after awhile and the englishman continues with mammal, "man why were you cockblocking me, we all could have had a piece"...mammal replies in a measured tone that she wasn't putting out the proper signals and that perhaps the englishman was seeing things in the night that weren't exactly there...(this observer would have to agree with the mammal's assessment)...finally, after unsuccessfully imploring mammal to call the girl who just left and ask her to come back, the englishman leaves...i finish my drink and a last cigarette with the mammal..."man that guy is off the wall, if he wasn't cockblocking me i would have had a chance," mammal states (and your observer agrees)...i reply that i feel sorry for mammal for having to deal with her all night, and he tries to find some solace, "she did like bob dylan"...i look at him wryly and respond, "comon' mammal she was ridiculous"...he concedes somewhat, but then replies, "but man she had great thighs"...

yesterday morning the mammal heard me playing my guitar, and when i came out of my room he replied, "boy that sounds good [church of al]...i am getting a wah-wah pedal from the guy i am taking lessons from, so between the two of us this will soon be the rocking-ist apartment on the lower east side"...i reply quietly, "much to the chagrin of our neighbours"...which he hardly hears because he has already continued, "we will both be getting more pussy than we know what to do with"...he was also enthused about me having some of his organic yoghurt, and quite happy that the residents on food stamps can go to the organic market and eat healthy..."better then government cheese," i responded...

tonite at karoke he will be performing more 'sean paul'...your correspondent is happy to announce that until i started living with the mammal i had no idea who 'sean paul' actually was...i mentioned, "[mammal] you don't want to be doing 'sean paul' songs every week or you might get typecast" (secretly hoping of course that i would no longer have to suffer s.p.'s stylings on maximum volume)...the mammal replied, "oh i've been doing him every week to a great reception, i figure i will exhaust the catalog and then move onto someone else"..."oh well," i said beaten, "i guess it is going better then 'suicide blonde' did"...to which he quickly responded, "who told you about that!"..."you did," i replied, "what do you think, the word around town is that [mammal] bombed 'suicide blonde'?"..."yeah, i don't want it to get back to [c-town], [his hometown]" he said jokingly...i responded, "hey they are all talking about it at [f's], [a horrible bar in his hometown]"

as you might expect, the mighty mammal is parading around like the alpha-male these days with his beloved democrats seizing power this week...your reporter must have heard the word 'macaca' (george allen, the former governor of virginia's, now famous racist phrase) spouted from our mammal's lips at least ten times a day...he cannot get enough of his new favourite states, montana, missouri, and virginia...and the sound defeat of rick santorum and the evangelical sex scandal have led him to pronounce that, "this is one of the best weeks i have ever had, now if i could only get some pussy"...last night he and our friend 'a' were up until five in the morning, mammal screaming as usual about how 'a' was "too far to the left" and that 'a' should vote for hillary clinton in '08...this of course coming from mammal whose political beliefs have ranged recently from leftist, to neo-con, to democrat...

this afternoon i was laying in bed wrestling with the foul hangover that the previous night had bestowed upon me, and i hear a scream from the living-room...and then, "who turned this che gavera picture around in here!?" [mammal had it turned to face the wall but someone turned the portrait around to unveil che in all his revolutionary glory]...i reply that 'a' turned it around...mammal shouts, "i don't want this murderous bastard on my wall, that fucking 'a' and all his (now using a retarded monkey voice) 'boo boo boo i'm voting for ralph nader in the next election'"...

on another note, last night i did attend the bar downstairs with the mammal and 'a' at about three in the morning...i was hoping to do some key field work on the mammal's mating rituals...unfortunately, there were not many opportunities on this particular night, and i am sorry to report that your author was quite unprofessional, inebriated and concerned with his own petty conquests...so i suppose the moral of this story is that perhaps there is a little of the hairy mammal in all of us...

another word on the electric bill...his friend 'a' whose name is still on the bill and getting screwed out of his good credit, recently cancelled the account altogether...and the mammal was furious...he burst into my room, "that son of a bitch cancelled the bill! he didn't even give me time to pay it...all he had to do was let me know and i would have wired the money"...i told mammal that 'a' tried to simply take his name off the bill but was unable to, and all the mammal had to do was call 'consolidated edison' and get a new account...the mammal however would hear none of it..."just when things are going great in my life, that bastard screws me...i guess it's the price i pay for trying to live cheaply in this neighbourhood!"...your author sat and listened but was a little confused as to why the mammal and his red baboon ass, was getting so worked up over nothing...moreover, it appeared to this witness that the mammal was the one at fault...however, never one to end the provocation of the caged beast, i proceeded..."mammal why don't you call him and yell at him [i just wanted to hear what mammal would say if he got him on the phone]"...mammal responded, "i can't, he's my master" (meaning of course that a's name is on the lease not mammal's)...he continued, "they should have sent that son of a bitch to iraq!" ('a' was briefly in the air force)...i came back at him, "now mammal you don't really mean that, do you?"...the mammal remorsefully answered, "no i don't mean that"...and then he was off on another topic, something about iraq, so for the time being the issue had been resolved...however, this witness wants a front row seat the next time mammal and 'a' see each other...

i have not seen much of the mammal lately so the stories at this point are thin...i did however get an electric bill long since due, which states that mammal has until the middle of the month to pay something like 200 dollars or they are going to turn off our heat and electric...last month when i first got here i saw a similar bill and asked him about it..."oh [church of al] don't worry about that, i paid that yesterday"...i didn't believe him, but let it go because i figured i now had his attention and he would pay it...obviously i was wrong...and the icing on the cake is that his good friend 'a' that lived here long before, still had his name on the bill...therefore, mammal was not only ruining his own credit, but a's as well...

your correspondent was peacefully enjoying a movie starring one
of his weird celebrity crushes, when the front door bursts open...
i hear, "oh no, oh no...[church of al]!...[church of al]!"...then the
bedroom door flingsopen..."we have cable," the mammal asks a little
confused...i nod...he yells, "we have cable!...[church of al] i am finally
an american!"...i nod again as he closes the bedroom door and turns
on the television in the living-room...i hear, "[church of al] i am
pausing h.b.o., i am pausing h.b.o.!"...then he becomes worried,
"oh no, we shouldn't have cable, i am never going to leave the house"
...i tell him that people will come for us, shout up from the street,
"[church of al], [mammal], where are you"...and we will respond,
"go away we are watching old dharma and greg reruns"
...the mammal adds that they will force their way into the
apartment and we will scream, "don't turn on the light!"

....the next morning i woke early around  9:30 and the mammal
was on the couch, in the dark drinking a mimosa and watching
back episodes of 'the wire' (his favourite show)...i left the apartment
and came back at four in the afternoon, and he was still there on the couch,
passed out, in the dark, with the telly blaring...he woke,
looked at me and said, "you have to help me, i can't move my legs"...

later that evening when he finally decided to move,
he again bursts into my room..."do you have any old crappy
band shirts?"...reluctantly i ask why...he responds, "tonite
i am dressing up as a trashy jersey rock chick, i have the
makeup and the denim skirt, but i need a good shirt"...i told
him i didn't have any ratt shirts or bon jovi,
(which of course is what he really wanted)...i then
asked if he was wearing his get-up to the comedy club
he manages..."no," he said, "the brothers will give me shit,
at three [a.m.] when all my work is done, then i will dress up"...
the picture in my head was magnificent, drunken' revilers
still out at three a.m. would witness the half
man-half beast shadow of a tart (a la the mammal)
roaming the high-heeled, vomit riddled
streets of the city...

this morning mammal was taking his usual extra-long shower, talking to himself and yukkin' it up...meanwhile i am in my room waiting for his completion, because i have a serious bowel movement brewing...he finally gets out of the shower, and even with the bathroom door closed, he hears me come out of my room..."[church of al]" he yells, "is that you"..."yeah [mammal], look i really need to use the bathroom"..."jesus," he replies, "hasn't anyone ever taught you to hold it," he continues, "do you have to pee"..."no [mammal]," i reply "so hurry up or i am going in your room!"..."god, i have to shave, if you want to go you come in and go while i shave, i don't mind"...this is something that your author will not do, and i tell mammal as much adding "can't i have this one thing for myself?"...of course he is relentless, "not in this apartment!...jeez, [church of al] you are such a prude, if you really have to go get in here!"...[authors note: the bathroom is about the size of a closet and it would be difficult for the both of us to fit at one time no less shit and shave together, also there is an exposed water pipe that is fiery hot that one has to avoid]...now i am annoyed so i shout back, "i would but i am afraid you would like it too much!"...he continues his ridiculing and then shouts, "oww, i just burned my naked ass on that fucking pipe!"...indeed karma is a bitch...he finally is done shaving but he still holds me up showing me the "metrosexual makeup" he has on his eye which is simply wrinkle remover...after i finish he returns to the bathroom to primp and we continue the conversation...
"[church of al] you are such a prude what would happen if you were in the army?"
"i'm not in the army [mammal]..."
"but what if they instituted the draft?"
"i would move to canada..."
"but what if the u.s. took over canada?"
"they wouldn't take me because of my health..."
"but what if they lowered their standards..."
...and this banter continued until finally, with beret perched firmly upon his hairy skull, he strode confidently out into the misty manhattan morning...

i have not seen the mammal much lately, so most of his hi-jinks are inevitably happening to some other lucky soul...i did see him last night and i tried to provoke...i yelled, "i hate joe lieberman"...to which he burst through the door..."i hate him too," he replied, "but we should be focusing our energies on winnable races...sure it gives a reason for all those liberal bloggers to pat themselves on the back, but it doesn't change policy"...i replied to egg him on, "yeah but i am happy he lost the primary, i am not a democrat and i take pride in petty victories"...he continued, [addressing the liberal bloggers] "to all the liberals i say fuck you! its about policy! its about furthering the democratic policies!"..."but mammal," i say, "i don't care about policies, lieberman was a conservative bastard and i am glad he was embarrassed"...(this continues in the same vein, me provoking him on issues i do not care about, and he yelling 'fuck you!' to liberals (never mentioning me specifically but indirectly meaning me))...when i got tired i stopped arguing and he eventually was moving towards the door..however, on his way out i couldn't resist, i said, "joe lieberman sucks"...to which the mammal came back in and resumed the argument full bore shouting louder and louder to imaginary foes, "fuck you, fuck you!"...this time i did not say anything on his way out, because the mammal will never leave unless he has the last word...he then took a shower singing "louie louie" at the top of his lungs (obviously still not out of his system from the all night louie-fest a week prior) and shouting to the walls, "oh yeah, show us the pussy!" while intermittently doing his version of the 'human beat box'...as he was leaving the apartment he shouts "au revoir" in a french accent, so i shout "adios"...to which he again shouts "au revoir", to which i reply "what?"...and he closes the door still mumbling with the accent "what [in english], no francaise?"...

i walked into our place with a mutual friend 'j' in tow...the mammal was in his room, sitting at his computer, wearing only his boxers...when he saw us he started screaming as if he was in the middle of masturbating to a political article he was reading...then he came out to sit on the couch and regale us with stories...'j' remarked, "[mammal] put on some fucking pants!"...to which the mammal replied, "i most certainly will not! if you don't like it you can leave"...then the mammal sat down on the couch right next to 'j' and started berating him about his politics...during the conversation (in which i was sitting directly across from the mammal), he shifts in his seat so that his sack is showing..."mammal!, i yell, will you sit up and shift your shorts for chrissakes"...at first he doesn't understand and thinks i am criticizing his political views, but finally he gets the message...

after the conversation was over the mammal retreats to his room and closes his door, but minutes later bursts out wearing a pair of turquoise short-shorts..."sometimes this bar i like has short-short nights and these are the ones i wear, though sometimes its rough because a girl will be grinding me and i will get an erection, and won't be able to hide it, but hey there is nothing i can do about it so i just roll with it"...'j' remarks, "you should invest in a good pair of boxer briefs so as not to be walking around with an obvious erection"...the mammal did not seem too sure...then, still wearing nothing but his blue short-shorts, he unrolls his 'stretching mat' and remarks, "i have to do some stretching" and lays on the mat and begins stretching between us...he only stretches for a minute or two but continues to lay on the mat and talk to us for about twenty minutes...we make plans to meet up with him later, but of course they fall through because of the mammal's ineptness, and inability to respond to any voice or text messages in a timely fashion...

it is also worth noting that the night prior to this incident, a friend 'a' decided to sleep on this dirty-dusty mat we keep under the couch rather than sleep in mammal's double bed with mammal...drunkenly he explained, "i am sure that this thing is cleaner than [mammal] is"...he then laughed hysterically and passed out...the mammal went off to bed, unaffected...

i went into the bathroom last night and noticed to my dismay that the toilet paper was vanquished...normally this would not bother me, but before the mammal came home it was more then half full...as i stared at the empty canister, i pondered the mysteries of the universe, foremost in my mind of course was how one goes (without explosive diarrhea) through a half a roll in three hours...i asked the mammal about it and he replied..."it was one massive shit"...personally, i think he just wastes toilet paper...

another similar story...i was sitting on the couch watching the game and the mammal was taking a shower...he was going through his usual antics, shouting, singing, yukkin' it up...i hear a scream and then only the patter of water hitting the shower curtain...i become concerned and yell..."[mammal] you alright in there"..."yeah its okay," he replies, "i had turned off the water and forgot to wash my ass thoroughly, so i turned the water back on, it was ice cold and i slipped"...at least if nothing else, the mammal believes in good rectal hygiene...

the mammal came home late last night with that eighteen-year-old i told you about in an earlier blog...along with them were two other friends of hers, a russian male and an american female...both around the same age...i was still awake, but in my room trying to sleep...i could hear the disgust in the mammal's voice...he was like a teacher dismissing students, or someone acting well above his guests...parental like...and for good reason...they were functioning with eighteen year old brains, and the mammal was only humouring them for the 'nookie' so to speak...at one point the mammal even lowered himself to the dreaded 'helper monkey' role, when he had to go out to the unforgiving streets (leave his heart and hearth) and fetch o.j., because god forbid the girls have a vodka martini, instead of the more forgiving screwdriver...but, as always the ever horny mammal obliged...i had to venture out of my room later to use the loo, and was greeted tersely by the russian adolescent, who obviously was protecting his domain (a la his woman)...later, i awoke around five in the morning, listening groggily to the song 'louie louie' emanating from the mammal's room...on repeat!...at that point i was too tired to stumble out into the mess (which i knew existed in the living-room), and then into his room to turn it off...therefore, your correspondent proceeded to have horrible dreams in which the song 'louie louie' was prominent...in the morning the mammal was remorseful, although i was not angry...and when i asked him what the deal was with 'louie louie', he responded, "yeah, i don't know what i was thinking, it seemed like a good idea at the time...were you the one that turned it off?"...and so ended another mad night with the mammal...

the mammal filled me in on the bar that has just opened below our building..."i went there last night late and it was a type of hipster rock 'n roll place...it was alright except the money men were there sucking each other's balls"..."they were like [spoken in an italian accent] 'yo, this guy made his money in real estate'...'yo this guy made his money in milk'"...

later i told him that i read the article on hillary clinton in the atlantic and it made me dislike her more...he took offense, "comon' if she is president that means that bill will be president again"...of course i didn't agree and thought (my thoughts here only for the good of the blog) that she should realize she would never be elected president and begin to act more liberal and less conciliatory...i stated, "i mean she is even going to these bogus prayer meetings with republicans"...with that the mammal launched into a strong tongue lashing of my point of view shouting, "i want to see some poll numbers! i don't want to hear any more of your assumptions!"...he rounded it out with a strong shower rendition of m.c. hammer's 'pray'...(from the shower) "pray, (pray) pray (pray), [now with me joining him] we've got to pray just to make it today!"...and on and on until he left, singing a combination of that and "me so horny" by 2 live crew...

the mammal burst in the door..."you'll never believe what happened to me today"..."what?" i ask slowly rising from the grotesque couch, shifting my gaze from the boring baseball game on the rabbit-eared telly..."i went into this hipster tee-shirt shop this afternoon...first of all i was drawn in by the walter sobchak tee in the window talking about how he doesn't roll on shabbat, but that was sold out" he adds, "i am assuming the jews bought them...[church of al] i am telling you every time they show that movie in isreal everyone cheers that line"...[author's note: the mammal, though not jewish, has his finger on the pulse of the jewish nation]...continuing, "i saw this great shirt of jimi hendrix with all the hindu gods around him, you've seen it right?" [i nod in the affirmative] "well i am usually a medium so i asked the girl if i could try it on, she let me, but evidently it was made for one of those bone thin guys because my nips were showing"..."then i asked for the large and had the same result, so i asked for the extra large"..."at that moment the manager came out and said, 'i am sorry you are not allowed to try on new shirts only vintage shirts'"...to which mammal replied, "that is fucking crazy!"...(as an aside to me he states, "i mean [church of al] am i just supposed to get home and realize my fucking nipples are showing, then what am i gonna do?")...it proceeded like that for a few minutes and then the manager told mammal, "alright get out"...and the mammal could not believe that he was getting kicked out of a tee-shirt shop...i agreed that he was not drunk or disorderly and should not have been shunned, but the mammal felt regret even though he did not do anything wrong...as he said, "i mean it was a black guy with dreads, i expected him not to follow the man's rules"...then for the rest of the night the mammal was thinking about how he could work his 'nips' into his comedy set...

one other note...on columbus day he went into the pizza place on the corner and remarked to the neapolitan owners, "happy columbus day!...columbus was from the north right?" [he receives an affirmative answer]..."well then fuck columbus!" [as he gives the double middle finger salute]...[author's note: for all that do not know, naples is in the south of italy and the mammal was by no means trying to consciously insult the proprietors]...to the 'fuck columbus!' remark the pizza men said, "no, no its okay"...to which the mammal again protested, "no, no fuck columbus!"

today i left before the mammal woke...as soon as i get uptown my phone begins to ring and you guessed it, its the mammal...he asks me if i remember this girl i dated in high school's cousin...i tell him of course i don't..."well" he says, "we've been messaging on my space all afternoon"..."she found me through [my old girlfriend's my space] and wants to hang out"...i ask the obvious question, "is she hot?"..."yeah, at least from her my space pictures, but you can never be sure about them, she lives in texas but will be back for the holidays"...mammal tells me that they had a brief make-out moment when she was fourteen and he fifteen..."you kissed her?" i asked..."no but i came really close to her neck"...he procedes, "its weird how girls remember their first erotic experiences so vividly"

he also filled me in on how last night ended at the magazine party..."oh man it was out of control, i was hitting on this girl i kind of recognized but couldn't think of from where"..."it turns out she was this girl that married one of my friends at burning man...they found a rabbi at burning man to marry them"...he told her "oh man i haven't bought you a wedding present" so he drowned them both in vodka for the rest of the night..."oh by the way [church of al], i got vodka coasters last night so we are now going to be a coaster family"..."alright," i replied...

the mammal did not get a chance to do the sean paul song at karoke [unfortunately, because i have to hear it for another week]...he had to manage the comedy club so he arrived at karoke late...therefore he said, "i didn't want to waste it on an anemic crowd"...instead, in tribute to kim-jong-il[sp] and his maddening nukes, karoke was all about north korea, so the mammal did 'back in the u.s.s.r'...he said it went over well..tonite late night he came home for a moment with one of his comedian friends...they were going to a 'heeb' magazine [author's note: that is the name of the magazine not a racial slur] party, which he invited me to..."i have to make an appearance" he explained...i declined the invite, but his comedian friend seemed very concerned with both my use of mammal's computer and my racial orientation...i told her i didn't have a computer yet and that i was an american...that of course did not satisfy her, but fortunately the mammal dragged her out the door before she could find out too much more about me...

nothing new with the mammal this morning except that it is again karoke night...and this week he will be performing "get busy" by sean paul...so all morning i have been listening to him sing "shake that thing, miss..." and on and on...hopefully it will be more of a hit than last week's song...

today was quite an eventful one...the mammal asked me to go to brunch with him...i declined of course, because on hungover sundays the only thing i do is lay on the couch and watch football...but he was excited...he wanted to go to this french place he enjoys and have his favourite, 'steak tartar'...he explained that most people were disgusted by raw meat but that he found it no different than sushi...i replied that i found raw meat more grotesque than sushi (which i enjoy)...he responded, "oh raw beef fills me with so much energy, after i consume it i feel as if i could [he pauses to find the correct analogy] rape and pillage algeria!"..."i feel as if i could have the courage to break away from canada!"...

later he was ready to tell me about the girl he slept with last night..."oh man [church of al] she was this eighteen-year-old rich girl from [school deleted by author] in 'y'...her father owns a luxury car company in [a european country]...we took the subway to my friend e's birthday and the entire way i was listening to eurotrash songs on her i-pod and she and her friend were dancing suggestively...then i fucked her on my friend e's bed...it is funny that it was e's birthday and i was the one getting laid...oh man does she give great blowjobs...and after we had sex she got sick [i chose not to point out the humour to him at that moment]...then i offered to pay for their taxi home, but she declined...i mean how great is that?"...i of course agreed....later this evening one of the mammal's friends came over to shave [another story not to be explained here] and the mammal related the story to his friend...his friend, obviously knew it was a little too good to be true, so he asked what she looked like...the mammal hesitated for a moment and his friend took that pause and pounced..."jeeze [mammal] if you have to hesitate, then she must not be that attractive at all"...we enjoyed that while the mammal desperately backtracked...she text-messaged him while we were sitting around and the mammal asked us what he should do about the situation...i replied that he should try and see how much good lovin' and cold hard cash he can get from her, and the mammal's friend agreed...

i was reading with my door closed this afternoon when the mammal awoke...i could hear him stumbling around, and fumbling for the coffee filter...then he went to the sink and mumbled something low...a second later he repeated it in a loud sing-song voice..."its the [mammal] show!"...and indeed it was...next he started singing sly and the family stone at the top of his lungs, "thank you for lettin' me be myself, again" (singing the bass line as well)...and rounded it out with a few screeching lines from the sex pistol's song 'bodies'..."she was a girl from birmingham!"...then he mellowed for a few moments, began to drink his coffee, while blasting sabbath...with ozzy wailing in the background he paced the apartment working out new fragments of his act...they consisted of everything from dane cook to his hippie college days...(all i could really make out was the line, "don't you hate it when some crazy guy is trying to tell you that someone else is crazy")... finally he burst into my room, a little dazed, and said he was going to get the wireless computer receiver...i asked him to make sure it worked with a 'pc', and he responded, "how are you ever going to be a hipster with a 'pc'"...i responded that i wasn't a hipster...he brushed that off and referencing an old picture of me, the mammal, and p. guth from california a few years earlier, said how if he had only known about layered haircuts sooner he would have been famous by now...he saw i was reading a book about bill clinton and remarked, "i love the stories of bill eating and drinking with helmut kohl and boris yeltsin, all three of those guys just love life" and like a flash he was gone...

a brief note on monday's karoke...the song "suicide blonde" did not go over as well as he would have liked...about the experience mammal remarked, "i thought it would kill, but the response was lukewarm"...

every monday night the mammal goes to karaoke night...and every week he learns a new song...i know this because i asked him if he was one of those folks that is known for always doing the same song, or a different one...and he replied, "oh no, i do a different one every week, that is part of the my thing, they are like 'what song is [mammal] going to do this week'"...well this week the mammal was doing 'suicide blonde'...therefore, most of the early night consisted of the mammal playing the song over and over as loud as possible...he played it while eating, while showering, and while primping...each time singing more and more of it...he tried it out a few times on yours truly and asked me what i thought...i told him that his hair (shoulder length) achieved the proper effect being wet and suggested he gel it back for the night..."oh no, i never put product in my hair" was his response...he wondered why i thought he should employ 'product' because the original singer of the song he said, "didn't look like that"...i of course did not know what the original lead singer looked like (whenever inxs came on i tuned it out), but to the mammal's credit he always did his homework...

one more point worth mentioning is that the regulars at karaoke call him "rapist [mammal]" or something to that effect...of course he is not a rapist or fond of the nickname, and as he put it, "i can't help it if some girl wants to get up there with me and wants to grind...of course i am going to oblige"..."but i wish they would stop calling me that, i mean what if my mother hears about that, she's in n.o.w."...and with one final playing of the song, like a flash he was away, onwards into another new york city night...

the other night i awoke at 3:30 am feeling sickened...the only reason i relate this point is to emphasize that the mammal did not wake me up...he came in a half an hour later bumbling and fumbling...he put on air america, grabbed an i.p.a. from the fridge, and fiddled around for some food...the mammal does not keep food in the house of course...he always eats out by his own admission...and because i had recently bedded down in the domicile i did not have much...i could hear him rifling through my cereal, drunkenly gnawing at the oats and grain...the moral of the story of course is 'eat your dinner' and do not leave leftovers...because although the hairy mammal will not cook your food at four a.m...he does know how to use the microwave...and will heat up anything, unremorseful at four in the morning or the day after...

*author's note: at this point the author does not care about the mammal occasionally eating his food...but we will see in the future if he has to start buying for two...due to the mammal's voracious appetite...

the mammal and i had a long discussion the other night encompassing many subjects...the one important for this entry is social dynamics of twenty-somethings on the lower east side...he told me that there were two types...the 'scenesters' whom he defined as young rich poseurs that dress in black-framed glasses, tight jeans, and vintage clothes...and the 'hipsters' who are mostly identical in dress, but are usually fairly destitute (for former suburbanites), and interested in liberal politics and free living...a type of urban hippie so to speak...he acknowledged that the hipster has become somewhat of a bad word, but he was trying to raise it back to its former glory... he also said that the most important quality of the hipster was an extreme grasp of the ironic...he classified both of us in this hipster category...and i do agree that he is certainly a hipster and not a scenester, and embodies both good and bad qualities of that group, however i tried to argue for a third group...on the fringes of the hipsters...more of an urban scumbag (marginally non-homeless)...holding some of the same ideals but not being able to pass freely in hipster circles because of a corrupt sense of style, tact, and 'scene' knowledge...the mammal however was not ready to accept this...either way, we both agreed that unfortunately the 'scenester' gets most of the really hot chicks...you see, even on the lower east side, the ladies gravitate towards the green...

day two: moving in i needed the mammal to watch the van with my belongings while my brother, his former roommate 'm', and yours truly lugged everything up the stairs...this time, being illegally parked, i burst into his stuffy room, and implored him to arise and merely stand by the van...again he protested, but reluctantly awoke...a half an hour later, while the three of us had been busily moving stuff into the already cramped apartment, the hairy mammal appeared, and stood by the van...as we hurried and sweated he stood, spoke to the stragglers on the street, and lifted nary a finger...occasionally i would come down to get something and he would make a biting comment while leaning on the van..."you still use c.d.'s, man you're behind the times"..."where'd you think you were moving to with all this stuff, amherst?"...he was talking to the latinos on the street about their dissatisfaction with another white person moving into the neighbourhood...and the next time i came down the stairs, he would exclaim, "hey [church of al] they don't want any white people in the 'hood"...and i, sweating and tired, picking up another heavy item would respond, "well [mammal] you live here too so what can we do about it"...and he would respond "i guess i could move out"..."i guess you could" i would breathlessly retort...and the banter would then continue on along the same lines...occassionally he would recognize a passer-by and shout, "hey [so and so] what's up, this is my friend [church of al] he is moving in here"...the madness continued onwards until all was unloaded, and his job of leaning and barbing was complete..."i'm going to get something to eat," he said, "see you later"...and i would not see him again until the next day...

i entered his domain on a late saturday afternoon, and the mammal was still asleep from a russian wedding he attended the night before...the place was in total disarray...bottles on the floor, garbage in every direction...this was the first sign that the guise of civility that the mammal constructed for his fellow mammals in the outside world was a facade...slowly i approached his room, and the stink was evident...i stopped by the kitchen table and poured myself a vermouth and water (the only two condiments, food or drink, that were suitable for consumption)...i steadied myself before waking him because as we know, waking the mammal before five o' clock in the afternoon can be dangerous...i tapped him hard and he rolled over, looked at me and let out a fierce screech...i asked him "[mammal] why has your roommate not moved out, you informed me two days ago on the phone that your domain was livable?"...he responded groggily, "arrh!, i told him to, what else do you want me to do?," i stared and then he responded, "welcome to my life"..."so is that your answer?" i asked, and he responded in the positive, rolled over and went back to sleep...i left and later that day [seven p.m] received a phone message from the mammal..."hey uh, just woke up and am still drunk, i'll call my roommate and see what i can do"...and that was day one with the mammal...

*author's note on this blog: this is intended to be an anthropological study and is as objective as i can make it...it is not an attempt to ridicule but only to chronicle...i only put myself in the stories because it is absolutely necessary, but try as much as possible to keep my opinions to myself...i have chosen this subject because of his gregariousness and proximity...