a blurry, dirty, david lynch type of night...that was friday...faced with the possibility of staying up well passed nine in the morning i elected to leave the safety and relative boisterous comfort of my lovely lady and her alcoholic friends and trek downtown for a good night's (or shall i say morning's) sleep in my own bed...i struggled sock-less out into the empty sunlit streets of this fair yet anomalous city... halfway down the beaten path to my graffiti-ed door two thoughts came into my head...first, walking twenty minutes sock-less was giving me blisters...at thirty your author still had not processed the fact that walking sock-less but not shoe-less would give one's poor suffering feet blisters...second i thought, wouldn't it be horrible if i came home to my comfortable bed and found someone already enjoying it thanks to the mammal's infinite stupidity...well needless to say as the lock gave way, and the rusty door of fate swung open, i witnessed a most horrifying sight...there was a savage in my bed...i stared for a moment, then gazed to the couch which was also occupied...sleepily i thought to myself, "this is my house, not a flophouse"...oh not so when you live with the mammal...disgusted i left, blistered and all, and walked back in sorrow to my beloved...two days later still fuming and refusing to answer the mammal's initial phone call, i take his message..."hey [church of al] i locked myself out of the apartment, i need some keys, please call me"...i call the red ass-ed demon and provide a meeting place where i can give him a spare set of apartment keys...he shows up in a reasonable period of time and i decide that before i confront him with the bodies in my bed i should first draw him in..."[mammal] how did you lock yourself out of the apartment," i ask..."oh [c of a] i went jogging and the door self-locked behind me," he responds...(a reasonable story if he was still dripping with sweat on this humid july day...and believable, if he was wearing his eurotrash headband and shorts)...this, as you might imagine however, is not the case...he is clean and showered...however your author is much too interested in mammal's tells so to speak, he overlooks the obvious, and does not point out the factual inaccuracies in the hairy mammal's story...your author chooses not to pursue this line of questioning but instead focuses on the strangers in his bed..."[mammal] i would appreciate that if you have people staying in my bedroom that you at least let me know because i came home and had nowhere to sleep"..."oh, [c of a] you came home, i am so sorry i told them not to go into your room but i guess they did not listen"..."[mammal]," i said, "i cannot have random people sleeping in my room, i came home at six in the morning and had nowhere to sleep, not to mention that i do not want my meager possessions stolen"...mammal placated me halfheartedly giving me assurances that were flimsy in context and tries to convince me that he would never again let untrusted acquaintances use the apartment while he was away...then he bid adieu...if the reader has not figured out the the real story here, your correspondent will lay it out for you...mammal goes away for the weekend leaving his keys in the care of some dirty, white-nosed, con...[c of a] comes home to find the apartment overrun and vacates...mammal comes back from a weekend at the stone pony and realizes that the fellow that he entrusted his keys to is nowhere to be found and he must seek out his roommate in order to gain access into his own apartment...then he lies to his roommate about the situation...thus ends another day in the life of this vile city, and of every dirty, hairy, mammal who sleeps soundly within its desolate walls....