a brief update on my ex-girlfriend's cousin (mentioned in a previous entry a la 'myspace girl')...mammal did actually meet up with her over the thanksgiving holiday...they went to bars in her hometown, which he described as "even more upscale than the bars [around our hometown]"...he said everyone in there were phish loving preppies (which i thought went out of style in the late 90's)...mammal said he didn't mind it so much...then he went to her house, met the folks, made out with her a little, and spent the night in her basement..."classic high school," i replied...today when i logged onto the computer i found that a message from her was on the screen...(mammal has a habit of not logging out and leaving his personal business for all to see)...the message said simply, "i am sick, you told me you weren't contagious, you ass"...ahh yes, messing with the mammal claims another casualty...

since there has not been much to add lately about the hairy mammal, your author decided he would give you a treat...a few years ago when our mutual friend 'a' (mentioned previously in this study) lived with the mammal, he gave me a few 'mammalisms'...i will now relate them to all of you lovely readers...

"-always leave either the bathroom light or the living room light on....you always want to break last month's electric bill..."

"-always leave a package of cookies open with crumbs spilling out over the rest of your food and the floor...nothing says 'welcome' to a nice well-to-do family of roaches better than little bite sized snacks..."

"-always expect free things from people in hip places...you are never too old to get your ass wiped on a consistent basis..."

"never, ever be consistent...it would be a mark against your golden slovenly lifestyle...if you learn how to use the shower correctly, forget how to shut a plastic spout on a carton...always stay a step ahead..."

"it's a good thing to leave hair in other people's food for the result is that you will usually be able to claim it for yourself..."

thank you to 'a' for sharing and for enlightening our faithful readers with another perspective of mammal in his habitat...

last night your author, an insomniac, was awake at four a.m. listening to u.f.o. conspiracy theories on coast to coast radio with art bell, when the mammal came in with two girls...i hear the girls expressing restraint with a sleeping roommate stating that they would be quiet...the mammal, as selfish as ever states loudly, "don't worry about it, be as loud as you want"...he then blasts some crappy music of unknown origin on the stereo...the girls turn it down and proceed to change the music to david bowie and then the beatles...finally, i think, mammal is going to sleep with a girl with respect for other humans and good musical taste...of course this was not to be...a half an hour later mammal leaves to walk the two girls, who were smart enough to realize that they were in over their heads, to the subway...i fall asleep, only to awake at a quarter to five in the morning to the mammal blasting 'sean paul' at maximum volume...i burst out of my room to find mammal alone, standing over the sink, stuffing his face..."[mammal]" i scream, "turn this shit down!"..."okay," he replies...it it strange that the mammal has no concept of anything else in this vast, twisted, universe except for his own growing ego...

a few days ago i heard him giving one of his friends advice on women over the phone...therefore, i can only relate his portion of the conversation...

"i don't know if you are good looking, i am not gay enough to make that judgment"
.........
"look i may be selfish but you are a narcissist"
.........
"what you need to do is just go up to any girl and start talking about something she is interested in, if she doesn't respond with a smile or seem as if she is interested, move on to the next one...it is all a numbers game"
.........
"of course no girl goes out thinking that she is going to have sex, but after a few apple martinis all she is thinking about is that she wants a dick in her"
..........
"look, don't you have any friends to go out with?" [response] "good, they're all gay, that is very good, do they have any hot fag hag friends?..."
..........
"no, well what the hell are you hanging out with them for?"

after that i stopped listening to the conversation...although this is crass advice, it does seem to work more than it should...i suppose that is both the irony and the sadness of this life...

the morning of thanksgiving i woke to the sounds of the mammal shuffling for the coffee filter...the night before mammal had another lady friend sleep in his disheveled bed...i heard him go into the bathroom and turn on the shower in order to prep for his day trip home...our shower head is broken, therefore one has to put time and care into the taking of a shower or the bathroom floor will flood...as the reader can imagine, the mammal (our beloved human tornado) continually floods the bathroom floor...today i was listening carefully from my comfortable bed, to hear if, in the presence of one of his women, he would take care and not flood the bathroom...i hear the mammal come out from the shower and tell his lady friend, "hey watch out when you use the bathroom because it flooded for some reason...go in there with your shoes on or your socks will get wet"...when she asked how the bathroom flooded mammal replied, "hey i don't know these things, all i know is that if you go in there in your socks you will regret it"...it was unbelievable that the mammal, even with female company, could not control himself enough, as to not flood the bathroom...as he rushed out the door to catch the bus, he remarked to his woman, (in a voice reminiscent of his father's ironic tone) "i better catch this bus or i am surely out of the family"...

last night mammal came home around ten and i again brought up the annoying girl from the night before...mammal began yelling, "[church of al] she wasn't that bad, why do you have to say that!"..."[mammal]" i said, "stop yelling"..."i'm sorry [church of al] i am not yelling, we are too tight for me to yell at you"...

i then mentioned that all our friends from high school were getting together in december for our monthly night out..."both 'j.h.' and 't' are going to be there [mammal], so you better show, i already marked it on your calender so you won't forget"...again he starts yelling, "i will try to make it but that bastard 't' hasn't yet been to one of my shows and 'j.h.' only went to one...you should all come up to the comedy club and see my set and then you guys can go out"...of course the comedy club is out of the way, and with a group of six of us we are not about to trek up there, pay cover and the drink minimum for a set, and i told him as much..."jesus it's only midtown! it's not like it's connecticut"...however when you live on the lower east side, midtown may as well be connecticut...

i awoke at four in the morning to the mammal and more young friends entering the apartment...as i tossed and turned i listened to the banal ramblings of one twenty-year-old girl...after an hour of this i decided that joining them would perhaps be more desirable, and possibly it would cut into the relentless voice that was in fact this girl's...at five in the morning i made the move, what i found was the mammal with two guys, a barrel chested englishman, shirt wide open (clearly challenging mammal to the one remaining female), and another bearded lad, concerned more with his buzz...the girl, afore mentioned, was sitting on the couch next to mammal running her mouth relentlessly...i lit a cigarette, made a martini and observed..."i want to live in europe for a good portion of my life," the vacant baroness states, "but i have only visited once, i went to italy for a week"...uggh, i think, when this girl loses her looks no one will listen to her...i look to the mammal and he looks back at me with a "hey i am only doing this for the nookie" glance...she continues, "in the high school yearbook i was voted quietest person with the most to say"...i roll my eyes, but thankfully the room is only candle lit so she cannot see, not that she would notice because of her rampant self-involvement...i think if she was the quietest i would hate to meet the most talkative...mammal edges closer and puts his arm around her, while the englishman, in an awkward position across from her, can only stroke her leg..."so roommate," she says addressing me, "what' s your story?"...i quickly deflect stating that i am only here to observe, to which she replies, "i like wallflowers too"...i let out an imperceptible groan...finally at six the girl asks the non-threatening guy to leave...mammal accompanies them to the subway station, perhaps in a last ditch effort, and i am left alone in the apartment with the englishman...

he begins, "oh man [mammal] was cockblocking me all night...i tried to put my arm around that girl and [mammal] would pull it away...man she would have done all four of us..." he is agitated now, and noticeably upset with his lack of accomplishment, so he continues his rant along the same lines...then he proceeds to make calls to girls he knows, hoping beyond hope to spread his seed, and not go home unfulfilled...all i can do is agree with his assessments, because i understand dealing with that girl for an entire night could not have been easy...mammal gets back after awhile and the englishman continues with mammal, "man why were you cockblocking me, we all could have had a piece"...mammal replies in a measured tone that she wasn't putting out the proper signals and that perhaps the englishman was seeing things in the night that weren't exactly there...(this observer would have to agree with the mammal's assessment)...finally, after unsuccessfully imploring mammal to call the girl who just left and ask her to come back, the englishman leaves...i finish my drink and a last cigarette with the mammal..."man that guy is off the wall, if he wasn't cockblocking me i would have had a chance," mammal states (and your observer agrees)...i reply that i feel sorry for mammal for having to deal with her all night, and he tries to find some solace, "she did like bob dylan"...i look at him wryly and respond, "comon' mammal she was ridiculous"...he concedes somewhat, but then replies, "but man she had great thighs"...

yesterday morning the mammal heard me playing my guitar, and when i came out of my room he replied, "boy that sounds good [church of al]...i am getting a wah-wah pedal from the guy i am taking lessons from, so between the two of us this will soon be the rocking-ist apartment on the lower east side"...i reply quietly, "much to the chagrin of our neighbours"...which he hardly hears because he has already continued, "we will both be getting more pussy than we know what to do with"...he was also enthused about me having some of his organic yoghurt, and quite happy that the residents on food stamps can go to the organic market and eat healthy..."better then government cheese," i responded...

tonite at karoke he will be performing more 'sean paul'...your correspondent is happy to announce that until i started living with the mammal i had no idea who 'sean paul' actually was...i mentioned, "[mammal] you don't want to be doing 'sean paul' songs every week or you might get typecast" (secretly hoping of course that i would no longer have to suffer s.p.'s stylings on maximum volume)...the mammal replied, "oh i've been doing him every week to a great reception, i figure i will exhaust the catalog and then move onto someone else"..."oh well," i said beaten, "i guess it is going better then 'suicide blonde' did"...to which he quickly responded, "who told you about that!"..."you did," i replied, "what do you think, the word around town is that [mammal] bombed 'suicide blonde'?"..."yeah, i don't want it to get back to [c-town], [his hometown]" he said jokingly...i responded, "hey they are all talking about it at [f's], [a horrible bar in his hometown]"

as you might expect, the mighty mammal is parading around like the alpha-male these days with his beloved democrats seizing power this week...your reporter must have heard the word 'macaca' (george allen, the former governor of virginia's, now famous racist phrase) spouted from our mammal's lips at least ten times a day...he cannot get enough of his new favourite states, montana, missouri, and virginia...and the sound defeat of rick santorum and the evangelical sex scandal have led him to pronounce that, "this is one of the best weeks i have ever had, now if i could only get some pussy"...last night he and our friend 'a' were up until five in the morning, mammal screaming as usual about how 'a' was "too far to the left" and that 'a' should vote for hillary clinton in '08...this of course coming from mammal whose political beliefs have ranged recently from leftist, to neo-con, to democrat...

this afternoon i was laying in bed wrestling with the foul hangover that the previous night had bestowed upon me, and i hear a scream from the living-room...and then, "who turned this che gavera picture around in here!?" [mammal had it turned to face the wall but someone turned the portrait around to unveil che in all his revolutionary glory]...i reply that 'a' turned it around...mammal shouts, "i don't want this murderous bastard on my wall, that fucking 'a' and all his (now using a retarded monkey voice) 'boo boo boo i'm voting for ralph nader in the next election'"...

on another note, last night i did attend the bar downstairs with the mammal and 'a' at about three in the morning...i was hoping to do some key field work on the mammal's mating rituals...unfortunately, there were not many opportunities on this particular night, and i am sorry to report that your author was quite unprofessional, inebriated and concerned with his own petty conquests...so i suppose the moral of this story is that perhaps there is a little of the hairy mammal in all of us...

another word on the electric bill...his friend 'a' whose name is still on the bill and getting screwed out of his good credit, recently cancelled the account altogether...and the mammal was furious...he burst into my room, "that son of a bitch cancelled the bill! he didn't even give me time to pay it...all he had to do was let me know and i would have wired the money"...i told mammal that 'a' tried to simply take his name off the bill but was unable to, and all the mammal had to do was call 'consolidated edison' and get a new account...the mammal however would hear none of it..."just when things are going great in my life, that bastard screws me...i guess it's the price i pay for trying to live cheaply in this neighbourhood!"...your author sat and listened but was a little confused as to why the mammal and his red baboon ass, was getting so worked up over nothing...moreover, it appeared to this witness that the mammal was the one at fault...however, never one to end the provocation of the caged beast, i proceeded..."mammal why don't you call him and yell at him [i just wanted to hear what mammal would say if he got him on the phone]"...mammal responded, "i can't, he's my master" (meaning of course that a's name is on the lease not mammal's)...he continued, "they should have sent that son of a bitch to iraq!" ('a' was briefly in the air force)...i came back at him, "now mammal you don't really mean that, do you?"...the mammal remorsefully answered, "no i don't mean that"...and then he was off on another topic, something about iraq, so for the time being the issue had been resolved...however, this witness wants a front row seat the next time mammal and 'a' see each other...

i have not seen much of the mammal lately so the stories at this point are thin...i did however get an electric bill long since due, which states that mammal has until the middle of the month to pay something like 200 dollars or they are going to turn off our heat and electric...last month when i first got here i saw a similar bill and asked him about it..."oh [church of al] don't worry about that, i paid that yesterday"...i didn't believe him, but let it go because i figured i now had his attention and he would pay it...obviously i was wrong...and the icing on the cake is that his good friend 'a' that lived here long before, still had his name on the bill...therefore, mammal was not only ruining his own credit, but a's as well...